I’m still yours

Even if I never meet a husband

Or no one calls me “Mother”

Or I never climb the stone steps of the Tower in London or buy a stamped leather notebook in Paris or drift on a sunset long boat on the Nile

I’m still yours

Even if I get sick with what my mother had

Even if I never have the house with the front porch and the vines or the dog that chooses the the top porch step every time or land of my own, even if it just reaches to the driveway

I’m still yours

Even if I don’t get the degree at the famous school or read that book that everyone talks about

Even if I never have the time

I’m still yours

Even if I’m not a C.S. Lewis or a Tolkien or nobody ever knows my name but my family

Not on a screen?

Or on a book cover?

Maybe only ever the name of an old movie people saw once

I’m still yours

Even if I’m always labeled the quiet one or the one that’s hard to get to know

Even if I’m never the daughter I want to be

Or the way I want to be

Or sitting on the dark line of the timeline where I want to be

I’m still yours

Maybe that is all, that we just be yours, and everything else is received, here or hereafter, from your loving hands, as they move through space and time and before, always saying

”You’re still mine“

More.

I went to Starbucks this morning in my new shoes which always feels like the start of school to me. New shoes meant a new school year but now as an adult maybe it means a new spring or summer. It was nice to sit out on a patio and have iced coffee like it’s a treat. It always is in this economy and also a reminder I’m not in school anymore. We’re adults with coffee budgets.

I started setting apart Friday mornings for time with God at the beginning of the year and it’s funny how when I started, it was about me. I felt lonely at the time and went to Panera one morning and just felt a gentle voice say, “we should do this more often”. So every Friday apart from illness or something unplanned, I make time to go to coffee, bring my Bible and journal, and just talk to Him. Initially it was to fill the quality time part of my heart I think, that’s how I feel full. And it still is that-but I’ve also felt such a shift in the last few months, like I’ve gotten to know Him as well, in a different way.

When we’re young, it is all about us. We’re so self-focused. As kids, it’s normal. As young adults, we’re so ambitious and have our plans. And as we make our way into adulthood, it can stay that way. But God is so kind in how He matures us, and actually still makes it about us in how He cares for us, which is crazy to me-just like the best Father ever. But I’ve found in the more time I’ve been sitting with Him, He’s made Himself more known to me. It’s been less and less about circumstances and what I want and more and more about me knowing Him. His character. How He speaks and moves and comforts. That makes everything else fade somehow on these Friday mornings. And it’s exactly what I need. I don’t think I knew that what I was really looking for was safety, refuge, to feel seen. I made it about what I want but at the heart of it, it was all of the above. I know myself so little to be honest.

The bigger He is, the less everything else matters. That’s a platitude but I’ve found it’s come to life for me really. He is always so big. And kind and loving. We just don’t take the time to see it. And He is too kind to force it. If who He is is our center focus, it’s amazing how much that will heal in us . Like our souls were made for it, like it’s exactly His design. Which, surprise, it is. He can heal all of us. Sometimes in a minute. Sometimes it takes time. But I’ve noticed if it takes time, there’s purpose even in that. If everything was fixed in an instant, we’d miss out on Him, and still be walking around with mostly empty and broken hearts, just not know it until everything else fails us again. He is where the safety and love and protection and care I longed for lives. It’s what echoes in my own heart when He said, “Peace, be still!” (Mark 4:39). And it’s amazing to me how He used my love language to show me that. He is all that matters and all that will last for eternity. Everything we think we want now fades. And it doesn’t mean not to want it or pray for it or feel what we feel about it. But to take it to Him on a Friday morning or any day, and put it in His hands means we always get more - more of Him, more than we thought we wanted, more and more healing, more of what’s best for us. ❤️ But it takes time and because of Him we have it today. Isn’t it incredible that He always wants to meet with us? I’m thankful for Friday mornings and every other day of the week where that is true. It’s true for you too.

Mothers.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend and I think the biggest gift I’ve been given from my mother as well as the 2nd mother God gifted me with is feelings and wisdom. Stay with me here.

I think there is such a strong emphasis on not letting feelings lead the way, especially as a Christian woman. But I have never found freedom in hiding my feelings from God or my mothers. There’s only been love, deeper connection, and hope on the other side. That’s where wisdom comes in. The ability to feel what I feel in both of their unique presences - one as a young girl who was met with a mom who held her and comforted her and tried to cheer her up, and the other as a woman who’s been met with a second mother who comforts with hand-holding and wisdom and a cup of coffee. I’m always waiting to be judged but she does not judge me, slap a Bible verse on the wound, and send me on my way. She lets me share, and simply sits with me. It’s been such a beautiful picture of God’s love. How many times, He simply sits with me. Emotions and wisdom can go hand-in-hand.

My Aunt, my second mother, is BRIMMING with wisdom that knows no bounds. She has her own story, one of so much hardship and climbing out and then hardship again, but always credits God for the woman she is. I am BEYOND blessed to have her guidance, and to have had her comfort after my Mom passed away. There have been so many wounds to tend to and she has tended to them all in me. For that, I am grateful. I’m grateful for a Mom who loves the Lord, but doesn’t shame me. Who will always remind me of the truth, but leads me back to it gently. Wow, it’s so special.

I used to be the girl who was very hard on myself when it came to God and His Word, believing He expected me to be perfect. And then I ran away because I couldn’t be. And then He drew me back in a way I can’t take credit for. I could never. He chased me. And then gave me the gift of a second Mom who could walk the road of healing with me. It’s been a very long road, and she has been so patient and loving. Just the woman for the job, teaching me softness and learning to receive while also allowing me to say the raw, hard things out loud even if it’s just through sobbing. I’m thankful to both of these women for their strength, courage, and love. Mostly for their love for God. And how I could not exist or survive without having had either one of them. What a gift. And I hope this Mother’s Day reminds you, no matter where you are on your journey, that as a woman you are cherished and wholly loved. You would not be alive if you weren’t already. God loves you and just as both my Moms met me in childhood and adulthood, the good and the ugly, God wants to meet you there too. 🌷