Sweater for the Spring

I bought a new sweater last week. I hardly ever buy anything new. I love thrifting and it's a fun thing to do while also being economical I guess, so a lot of my clothes are either vintage or from a thrift store. But there's something about buying something new (while still on sale :)) that feels like a gift these days. Funny enough, today it feels too warm to wear it.

The trees are starting to bloom and everything feels more energized. Things feel new for me too. I've been feeling a sense of purposelessness lately - like if I'm not moving forward or the timeline isn't going how I want it to or my work isn't what I want it to be, than what am I good for? I do think God's truth is so counter to this, even if all of the above can feel true sometimes. I know He says that just being where I'm at, enjoying the changing season, and being fully who He made me to be, is enough. I'm so not used to that. I'm out of practice being myself - how weird is that? In seasons past, my identity has looked like friends, church, church activities, school, relationships, going out, what I wear, distractions, work, what others say about about me, what others think of me - it has truly run the gamut. And I will always be thankful to God for saving me from so much of this and the ultimate headache that it was. I was running and chasing and trying my hardest. But it is new, now, in my 30s, for me to just be. And really have everything outside of myself removed that I could possibly cling to to define myself. It's been a season of quiet. But you know what that has set me up for? Receiving.

I think being a woman means I have a unique opportunity to receive and be open and receptive. My goals and dreams do not define me. Being open to God's leading and how He wants to guide me has left me more at peace than I've ever been. I see how He's orchestrated things in such a way where I've had to get to know Him better to trust Him with this. He's softened me through circumstances that have been hard initially, some of which still are, but He's shown up. He's been there. I wasn't left to deal with them on my own. If life had gone exactly how I wanted it to, I would honestly still be a control freak - and I AM - but to a lesser extent. :) And I'm happier because of it.

I'm glad I'm learning this now. I want to learn while I'm relatively young, everything I can. And while it makes me sad sometimes that I'm not where I thought I'd be by now, that I can feel lonely, that my soul feels older than I think it should in certain moments, when exhaustion creeps in and the real feelings come up, I know I'm being carried. And I'd rather be carried than striving, I'd rather be receiving than fighting for something that isn't blooming yet, I'd rather be loving who I really am than chasing someone or something that I never was. All of this takes time. And surrender is not easy. But I am not alone, new sweaters make sweet gifts, and Spring is here. :)